Troublesome Revenge
by Laughing The Night Away
Summary: What happens when Sasuke and Shikamaru have to get revenge on their ex-lovers? Crackness that is what! Drunkeness, Manwhore!Sasuke, and much more inside
1. Planning

Welcome newcomers!

This is a crack fic for the pairing SasukeXShikamaru. Of course this entitles that it will be yaoi (boyXboy) and be warned that there is swearing and randomness that may scar small childrens developing minds. (As mine was when I saw Sex in the City at the age of 4)

Yes this is a crack fic which means there will be plenty of randomness and lighthearted plot lines. However it is a WELL WRITTEN crack fic so you do not have to beware of chat lingo and the such.

Just one more note before continuing on: For those of you who don't catch on very fast. Shikamaru is dating Ino currently. By the way, this is also told from Shikamaru's point of view!

* * *

What a drag, I sighed. It was a Friday afternoon and I had no plans. Ino was off at an Anorexics Anonymous and Choji was stuck in the hospital again. I picked up an apple from a market stand I was leaning against lazily. I watched in relative fascination as the afternoon sun shined off of its red skin. The sight of a peculiar orange clad ninja abruptly broke my gaze. I tilted my head to the side and took a bite of the apple as I watched Naruto turn the corner. I decided to follow him for lack of anything better to occupy my time. I quickly tossed a coin over my shoulder to the saleswoman before racing off in the direction of the blonde.

He was too far ahead to catch up to so I continued to follow until he stopped at another corner that led into an alleyway. I cautiously peeked my head into the alleyway. My mouth was agape at the site of Sasuke pinning Naruto to the wall and kissing him roughly. I coughed awkwardly to disrupt their make out session after a few exceedingly long moments had passed. Naruto jumped, quickly releasing himself from Sasukes grasp. A bright red blush spread rapidly across his startled face. Sasuke on the other hand looked annoyed at being interrupted and sighed angrily.

"I didnt know you were gay!" I covered my mouth, appalled that I had let the surprised exclamation slip out. A slight blush spread on Sasukes cheeks. Naruto looked at the ground and swayed uncomfortably.

The awkward silence was broken when Sasuke grumbled, "What are you doing here anyways?" His irritation had obviously returned.

"I saw Naruto walk by, and I wanted to know if he had any plans tonight," Wow, that doesnt sound gay or anything. "But I see you two are obviously busy," I started to walk off when Naruto interjected.

"We were just gonna head to a party." Naruto spoke, regaining his voice at last. "You can come if you want, anyones allowed."

"Sure," I eyed Sasuke cautiously; he was giving me a death glare.

"Awesome!" Naruto shouted. "It's at nine o clock...Well, see you then." Sasuke grabbed his arm and started dragging him off.

* * *

Oh joy. A party. I thought to myself as I approached the large mansion. I hated large gatherings. They were always so crowded and troublesome. However, if I had stayed at home, my mother would have nagged me about being social and said something about how Im a teenager and should be going out on Friday nights. She was at last happy that I was finally dating someone; but I guess my relationship with Ino wasnt enough to stop her constant bickering. Mothers can be so troublesome. I'll never understand why my father chose her.

"Hi!" Tenten greeted happily. "Everyone is in the family room. Be sure to grab some snacks from the kitchen too," She announced as I entered the house.  
I walked lazily into the living room where I heard a large commotion. Hinata had climbed atop a coffee table and started to strip dance.

"Go Hinata go!" Lee cheered her on.

"Okay!" She squealed as she began to pull her top off.

"I didnt know she had that big of boobs," Someone in the crowd shouted at the sight of Hinata in only a bra.

"Whoa there, Hinata," Iruka had come into the room and was trying to coax Hinata to get off of the table. "Come down now."

"No!" Hinata shouted out in protest.

"Don't take away her youth!" Lee slurred.

Iruka rolled his eyes as he attempted once more to grab her.

"Is you tryin teh molester me I-ruka?" she giggled madly. He gritted his teeth and tried again.

"Get off the bloody table Hinata," he demanded through clenched teeth. She wagged her finger at him and started to undo her bra.

"Thats it!" yelled Iruka as he grabbed Hinata and slung her over his shoulder. "Time to go home." She giggled again and made some random statements about going back to his place. He snatched her shirt from Lee who was putting it on in a drunken fashion and draped it over her shoulders. "Next time you get Hinata drunk youll have me to deal with. Dont ever take advantage of a girl like that or I will personally kick all of your asses on my honor as a ninja!" He screamed his last statement and then slammed the door behind him.

The party was silent for a moment before Lee said; "Heeeyyy Gaara did I ever tell you how hot you would look in spandex." I rolled my eyes and walked away.

I began to walk into the TV room when I saw the back of a familiar blonde walk into the opposite room. Thats Ino, not Naruto, for your information. She must have finished her AA early tonight. I walked into the kitchen after her only to be shocked stiff in the doorway. There was Ino leaning against the kitchen counter kissing Naruto!  
I shook my head to snap myself out of it and raced out of the kitchen in search of Sasuke. After a short search I found him leaning against a wall near a speaker.

"Hey," I greeted.

"Hn," His usual response.

"Looks like your boyfriend is having some fun with my girlfriend," I said as matter-of-a-fact as I could manage.

"What?" Sasuke shouted. "Naruto would never cheat on me!"

"Take a look in the kitchen if you dont believe me."

We both walked into the kitchen to confirm my sighting. There they were, sharing desserts together while Ino giggled insanely.

"Theyre just eating together, nothing special about that. Narutos always been friendly," Sasuke tried to convince himself more than anyone.

Any doubt either of us had dissolved as Naruto leaned over and licked the spilt icing off of Ino's face. Our faces contorted in disgust before we silently left the two cheaters to themselves in the kitchen.

"I-I cant believe my Naruto," Sasuke trailed off; a look of actual pain on his face. His hurt expression made him look like a lost puppy. It was almost cute; that is if I were a girl.

Sasuke went up to the hired bartender and asked for the hardest liquor they had.

"You know, you're a bit young to drink that," I commented.

"I dont care!" He spurted out angrily before gulping down half of his glass.

"Lets go sit down," I suggested. Sasuke ordered another drink before following me to the couch.

The lovey dovey couples sitting around us were not helping with the mood.

"You know what?" The alcohol was beginning to affect Sasukes speech. "I'm gona get revenge on that adorable cheating bastard."

"And how exactly do you plan on doing that?" I questioned, wishing I had also ordered a drink.

"By dating you!" Sasuke pointed at me limply before his head fell back on the couch.

I raised my eyebrows at him, even though he was too delirious to notice. "You've got to be insane,"

"To make them jealous of course," Two rights dont make a wrong but in this case I didnt really care.

"It's scaring me how much I want to believe your drunk logic,"

"So you'll do it?" Sasukes eyes lit up.

"We arent even friends; I'd go as far to say that I don't really even like you. But revenge is sweet, so its a deal."

Another commotion started shortly after my agreement to Sasukes plan on revenge. Lee had continued to drink after Hinatas absence, and now clung to Garra to keep his balance.

"Lee, youre about to pass out. You need to go home," Garra spoke as rationally as he could manage.

"I'm jus' a bit...tipsy," Lee hiccupped.

"You're wasted. Im talking you home." Garra started to walk Lee to the doorway.

"Your place or mine?" Lee attempted to sound seducing.

Garra rolled his eyes. Poor guy, I dont think I could put up with Lee when he's sober. Lee stumbled over again and Garra sighed before lifting him over his shoulder.

"I'm just taking him home," Garra sighed before closing the front door.

"Hey, I've got an idea that will really piss off our cheating duo," Sasuke informed me, while waving around his glass, as I re-entered the living room.


	2. The Date

*Insert witty authors comment here*

* * *

"You sure about this?" I whispered to Sasuke as we both stood up off of the couch.

"Of course I am," Sasuke wagged his finger at me.

I took a deep breath preparing myself.

"Remember, only a peck, okay?" I scowled at Sasuke.

"Yah, yah, just hurry up and let me kiss you, will ya!" Sasuke whisper-shouted.

"Fine," I mumbled as we reached the center of the room.

Sasuke put his hands on the back of my neck and I placed mine around his waist. He leaned in quickly and pressed his lips against mine. I could hear the cheers of the growing crowd around us. My eyes widened in shock and horror as his tongue penetrated through the gap in my lips and explored the cavern of my mouth. I was too petrified to respond and stood there I was in control of my body again, I pushed Sasuke away with as much force as I could while still managing to keep up with the act. "You went too far," I hissed in a hushed tone. I turned to face the crowd and sure enough there was Ino and Naruto both with shocked and fuming expressions. I quickly backed away from Sasuke and started to exit the room when Ino stepped in front of me.

"What was with that!?" She screamed in my face.

"I believe I should be asking you about that," I retorted coldly.

"I have no idea what youre talking about!" She hissed.

"Naruto + pastries ring a bell?"

Her face contorted as she tried to respond but fell at her lack of words.

"Thought so," I mumbled as I stuck my hands in my pockets nonchalantly and walked out of the party.

"Heeeey, Hot-stuff," Sasuke drunkenly stumbled out the door after me. "Where ya goin? The parties just getting lively. And did you see the look on Narutos face? That was totally worth it."

"I'm going home," I sighed as I continued to walk in the direction of my household.

"Don't forget our date tomorrow," Sasuke reminded while grabbing my ass as I walked off.

"What the Fuck!" I yelled at Sasuke who was chuckling madly and walking back inside.

* * *

"Mrgh" I mumbled as I buried my face in my pillow to block out the sudden burst of sunlight filling my room.

"Wake up Mister. You got a phone call while you were sleeping your ass off. My mothers whinny voice shattered what was left of my peaceful tranquility.

"Yah, well I'd like to continue with my sleeping," I groaned as I pulled the sheets over my head.

"You listen up young man, it's one in the afternoon and you are going to get out of bed!" She roughly lifted the sheets off causing me to roll onto the ground painfully. "Besides, that young man 'Sasuke' I do believe, said you were meeting at two."

"Oh yah," I mumbled against the cold wooden flooring.

"He sounded awful over the phone though. I hope he's okay. I don't want you to catch a cold now."

"I'll be fine," I sighed irritably as I began to stand on my feet. "Now get out of my room so I can change, will yah?"

"That is no way to speak to your mother, young man! Have you forgotten your manners?" She continued to rant once outside the doorway.

* * *

"Sup," I greeted as I approached Sasuke at our meeting place.

"Hn."

"Your lack of words is almost as annoying as my lack of motivation," I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up, I still have a hangover," He mumbled.

"I told you not to drink."

"Whatever. So who's our first target of the day?" He questioned.

"Let's get Ino over with, I really dont want to deal with her right now," I'm not one to be overly emotional but Ino's cheating seemed to find a way to affect me.

I stopped Sasuke just outside of the flower shop where Ino worked.

"Remember to act excited when I give you the flower," I reminded him before strolling casually into the store.

I looked around a bit, appearing to be relatively interested in my surroundings before approaching the front counter.

"I'd like to buy a rose for my BOYfriend," I accentuated the "boy."

Ino's icy glare captured my eyes before she reached behind the counter and grabbed a single rose.

"Will this do?" She asked coldly.

"It will," I responded as I handed her the money.

"Have a nice day," She mumbled halfheartedly.

"A rose for my love, though its only a fraction of your beauty." I placed the rose in Sasuke's hand as I exited the store. We were still close enough that we were in Ino's hearing range.

"My love!" Sasuke squealed. "It's so beautiful!" He flung his arms around me. His face was inches from mine when I whispered:

"Not again; not after last night."

"Aw," He made an adorable pouty face but I merely rolled my eyes.

I looked out of the corner of my eye to see a fuming Ino strangling a flower in rage.

"One blonde down," I muttered happily as I pushed Sasuke off of me as we walked across the street. "Come on, lets go get some ramen," I suggested. "I had to skip lunch cus of my bitchy mother,"

"Yah, they can be tough," His voice sounded distant and his eyes glazed. "Naruto loves Ramen I bet we'll see him there."

And sure enough, there was Naruto sitting at the counter beside a large stack of bowls. Sasuke grabbed my hand quickly and dragged me over to the seat beside Naruto.

"And what can I serve you boys today?" The waitress asked cheerily as she approached the counter.

"I'll have some pork ramen," Sasuke ordered. "How about you sweetie?" Sweetie? He was laying it on too thick today. Naruto will be bound to get suspicious. Then again, he is pretty dense.

"I'll have the same, Honeybunches," I accentuated the pet name.

Naruto looked up at us from his ramen with a look of displeasure and then quickly continued eating.

The spicy aroma of hot food filled the air as Sasuke and I's ramen were placed in front of us. I went to dig in when I dropped my chopsticks clumsily. Sasuke chuckled lightly.

"Would you like some help with that?" He smirked, picking up his chopsticks and feeding me.

Naruto glared at us from the corner of his eye and growled, "Would you mind? I'm trying to eat,"

"So are we," Sasuke glared back.

With a huff Naruto returned to his ramen and quickly left the shop after finishing his bowl.

"Yes," Sasuke and I shouted in unison as we high-fived. I then fell backwards on my stool and landed on the ground with a loud thud.

"You sure aren't coordinated today," Sasuke smirked before helping me up.

"It's cus I woke up before 4 P.M." I yawned.


	3. Night Out on the Town

* * *

Yes! I finally wrote this chapter! For those of you who are first time readers for this fic, I originally had it posted on Quizilla around X-mas break but never got to continuing it. However after a large amount of pestering by many of my close friends I have completed the next installment. So enjoy!

The usual warnings, boyXboy, crack, drunkenness, and swearing

Now there is a small part of this fic that contains "OCs" please do not be put-off or stop reading because of them as they will never appear again and are merely myself (the dirty blonde one) and my friend Em. She insisted I put us in it so we can torture our fav crack pairing. Hee hee

Now on with the cracktasticness!

* * *

The air began to grow chilly as Sasuke and I strolled down the dirt street outside the Ramen Shop.

"So, you want to get a congratulatory drink to celebrate our victory at successfully outraging our Exs?" Sasuke elbowed me playfully.

"And have to deal with your drunken stupor again? As if!" I rolled my eyes at Sasuke's dimwitted comment.

"You don't have to get so miffed. I thought _I_ was the angsty one here!" Sasuke smirked. Very funny Sasuke. Ha. Ha.

As we continued down the path towards our households, keeping up our makeshift couple appearance; a blur of green spandex overtook our vision.

"Youthful companions!" Shouted the bowl-cut teen, otherwise known as Lee, who was accompanied by his sensei Gai. "I have heard of the lovely news of your partnership!"

"How about the two of us buy you drinks to celebrate?" Gai suggested with one of his signature sparkling smiles. Why everyone seemed to ignore the face that we were minors never occurred to me for I was too busy trying to think of reasons for the Green Team to know of our relationship and of ways to get out of the evening gathering.

"I'd like to and all, but you know it's late and I wouldn't want my mother to get angry at me," I half-lied.

"Afraid of your mom?" Sasuke sneered. "Man up! You can't let a woman keep you from going on with your life."

I hated to agree with him but my pride got in the way of logic. "Who says I'll let a woman control me…"

"Great! Then it's agreed, we're going out for drinks!" Gai cheered happily. "Come along you two lovebirds!" He grabbed a hold of Sasuke and I by our elbows and dragged us in the direction of the nearest pub.

* * *

Laughter encompassed the area surrounding our table at the far corner of the "Witty Ninja Name For A Bar". Who was this laughter directed at you ask? Oddly enough, myself. Now you may be wondering how this laughter began. Well I'll tell you straight out and bluntly: I, Shikamaru Naru, was **drunk**. How the gods above this happened I barely recall. There was something about Sasuke calling me a pansy and not being able to cope with the green nuisances in all their spandex coated glory. Eventually the stress overcame me and I resorted to drinking. I've never been one for alcohol. I'd have the occasional glass with my father while contemplating the meaning of life; but I never, not once, have gotten drunk and believe me, I was far past plain old intoxication that night and was more along the lines of wasted to the point of insanity.

Another round of drinks came by via a waitress in a ridiculously short skirted uniform with boobs large enough to balance a platter on. I however was much too occupied with the homoerotic man beside me to pay her any attention. At first Sasuke was relatively reserved with his flirtations. Intertwining our hands together --of which I quickly pulled apart. Placing his arm around my shoulders—which I shoved off immediately. However, as the night progressed and the more drinks we consumed, the more rash and daring his passes became and the less I seemed to resist. He kissed me on the cheek at one point but I weakly slapped him on the arm. Gai and Lee cheered at that point and bellowed "Ah the springtime of youth and its innocent love! I wish I'd remembered to bring the camera to capture this beautiful moment!"

"I have a camera!" A girl sitting at a table across from them exclaimed. Her hair was mid-waist in length and light brown with several blonde streaks throughout. She was accompanied by another female who had short choppy dark hair. The two girls stumbled towards our table, it was apparent they had had more than two glasses of liquor.

"Heeey sexies" The tomboyish one greeted, swinging her glass enthusiastically. "Why not get your picture taken with me instead of the dull man beside you," she directed at Sasuke. The girl with long hair was apparently her partner as she slapped her angrily and mumbled "Drunken whore,"

"Moving on," Girly sighed. "You wanted a picture in remembrance of your time together? Is tonight a special night, hmm?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively but I chose to look in the opposite direction and ignore that they had ever approached our table or even spoken in the first place.

"Aww, is he shy?" The other girl cooed in an annoying fangirlish tone.

"Shut up," I mumbled into my hand.

"Ooh feisty," Her eyes seemed to light up with a terrifying electricity that made me recoil in horror at the thoughts that must be going through her mind at that moment.

"Just shut up and kiss so I can take your photo," The girly one pouted; clearly getting annoyed by the dialogue and lack of action.

"That I can comply with," Sasuke smirked deviously. Then everything happened in a matter of seconds that felt like hours. There was a pair of arms wrapped around me; one buried in my hair, the other around my waist. I felt a warm pair of lips moving against mine and something warm and wet enter my mouth. There was a blinding flash coming from a camera and I found myself in a daze, unable to move, breath, or think. Eventually my senses kicked in and I found myself returning the actions to the predator attempting to devour my face. Sasuke's lips were fairly soft and it wasn't like it felt bad or anything. I wondered why it would normally bother me, for at the moment it was quite nice.

Then suddenly everything returned to its normal speed (at least what was normal for being in a drunken stupor). People were making catcalls and clapping.

"Oh ho ho, a nice ol' frenchy I see," The dirty blonde hooted as she looked at the preview image on her digital camera.

"So when's the wedding" The tomboy nugged Sasuke in the shoulder.

"A wedding!" Gai shouted as if an invisible light bulb had suddenly illuminated above his cranium. "That is a perfect idea! What better way to solidify the love of these two wonderful boys!"

"What do you say, you two?" Girly winked at us.

"What the hell," was Sasuke's form of an agreement as he raised his beer into the air elatedly.

Obviously having lost my grip on reality, I agreed.

Everything was moving so quickly that my mind couldn't keep up with it. We were dragged out of the pub and thrown into a vehicle of some sort. Once arriving at our destination I was stripped and tossed into a used tuxedo and raced down an isle where I remember hearing the corny cliché they play as a bride makes her entrance. Once I reached the end of the isle I was placed beside Sasuke who was also forced into a black tuxedo (Which suited him quite well; however, I would never admit to that…) In a flurry of words the Vegas wanabee priest, who apparently was accustomed to marrying elopers and such, spewed words at such an incredible speed that none of them fully reached my mind.

His words finally slowed down enough that he could clearly pronounce the line "Do you take this man to hold and to cherish…" and however else that line went, it's not like I read romance novels and have it memorized word for word.

"I do," Sasuke blurted out immediately while grabbing my hands and attempting to gaze deeply in my eyes as some form of affection.

"You're such a man-whore" I teased.

"But you love me anyways" Sasuke smirked.

I rolled my eyes and mumbled "I do,"

"You may now-" But the priest was too late for Sasuke had already pulled me into his arms and meshed our lips together with a fiery passion.

The small group that consisted of our witnesses cheered and hollered as the two fangirls from the bar began to sprinkle confetti in our general direction. Sasuke and I giggled and chuckled in a drunkenly manor as we stumbled out of the building and into the early morning air.

Girly and her tomboy companion congratulated us as they giddily hopped atop of a black Harley Davidson. "Enjoy your married life!" They shouted in unison over the exhaust of the bike and the roar of its engine. They squealed in sheer delight as they drove off into the rising sun and were never to be seen again.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning it felt like a thousand bees were swarming around in my head while a woodpecker struck against my cranium. I rose far too quickly from where I had apparently landed the night before on my bedroom floor. My head rushed and my vision blurred which sent some sort of signal to my stomach causing me to race towards the toilet into which I emptied most of the beverages I had consumed previously.

After about half an hour of leaning against my new found porcelain friend I cautiously returned to my room to where I found an unconscious Sasuke sprawled against a pile of my dirty laundry. I squealed in horror at his unexpected presence and unfortunately tripped in the doorway and landed on top of him with a thud.

"Mm…Where the hell am I?" He mumbled as he lifted his head lazily off the ground. He grumbled lightly as he peeled a sock off of his sweaty skin.

"What the fuck are you doing at my house!?" I screamed in his face as I regained my balance.

"He's now your _Husband_," Screeched a terrifyingly familiar voice. I turned my head in horror to see my mother standing by my doorway with her arms crossed and an enraged look settled upon her features.

"He's my…what?" I asked frantically. Nothing was making sense this morning and the continuous violent pounding of my head was no help at all.

"I will not repeat myself again," She huffed.

"My…what?!" I mumbled again, this time more to myself.

"She said husband, dumb ass," Sasuke sighed impatiently as he began to rise to his feet.

"Husband," I whispered, not fully registering the meaning.

My mother decided to blow a fuse the second she pulled me out into the hallway while spewing a row of profanity.

"Now listen here, young man" Shikamaru's mother bellowed. "I will not have a married man living in this household. If you feel you are old enough for marriage than you are old enough to move out."

"But mom, I was dr-" I began to protest but was rudely cut off by her shrieking.

"No buts! Now pack your things and leave."

"_Old hag_" I thought to myself but would not dare say out loud for I was raised better than that (and highly feared my mother's rage at the moment).

With a defeated sigh I marched up the stairs for what would be the last time in my life I supposed. The halls felt strangely empty and all the memories represented in the photographs seemed oddly distant and unfamiliar. "_I guess this is the end of my comfortable life I have grown accustomed to_,"

"Hey hubby," Sasuke greeted quietly from his perch on the edge of my bed. "That was quite a fight you two had. I could hear your bickering from up here,"

"Shut your mouth bastard. It's because of you that I'm in this fucking mess." I hissed violently as I extended my arm into my closet and grabbed the first item it made contact with. "I've now been kicked out of my house."

"What?!" Sasuke had an absolute look of shock on his face. "Is your mom a homophobe or something?"

"Probably, but that's besides the point. This is just an opportunity for her to get revenge on me and make me become a working member of society instead of lying on my ass all day."

"So…what are you going to do?" He questioned.

"Move in with you," I tossed a pile of clothes from my closet at him while he sputtered unintelligently.

"B-but"

"No buts. You have a giant freaking mansion with no one in it besides yourself. I'm sure your have room to spare."

"I'm an avenger! A lone wolf! I can't have someone living with me!"

"Well deal with it cus I'm your husband now and that's what married couples do!"

That was all we spoke to each other as I packed my things and prepared to leave the house that I once called home.

**Authors Note:** Is this a plot I sense developing? Perhaps…perhaps…nods head while stroking chin profoundly


End file.
